Emotional and Narcissistic Abuse - Recognising the Signs and Reclaiming Your Life

Marriage should be a partnership based on love and mutual respect, but when emotional abuse is present, it can lead to deep psychological harm.  Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional abuse inflicted by individuals with narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). These individuals often exhibit a lack of empathy and a strong need for admiration, leading to manipulative and harmful behaviours. Victims of narcissistic abuse can experience significant emotional and psychological distress, affecting their personal and professional lives.

Narcissistic abuse can be incredibly difficult to endure. Someone with NPD may use insults, threats, and accusations to manipulate you into doing what they want.

Many people suspect they are married to a narcissist, but the term is often misused. Anne-Marie Rencken-Wentzel, a Counselling and Educational Psychologist from Cape Town, cautions against labelling individuals as narcissists without a clinical diagnosis, as this can oversimplify complex relationship dynamics. She emphasises that not all toxic relationships involve narcissists and explains that many couples may experience periods of toxicity due to stress, miscommunication, or unresolved conflicts.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (Fifth Edition) or referred to as “DSM-5”, defines NPD as a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy.  The DSM-5 is a publication by the American Psychiatric Association (APA) that provides standardised criteria for the classification and diagnosis of mental health disorders. The DSM-5 is used by mental health professionals, including psychiatrists and psychologists, to help diagnose patients based on specific symptoms and behaviours.

A diagnosis for NPD requires at least five of these traits:

• Grandiose sense of self-importance
• Preoccupation with fantasies of success or power
• Belief in being unique or superior
• Need for excessive admiration
• Sense of entitlement
• Exploitative behaviour
• Lack of empathy
• Envy of others
• Arrogant behaviour

However, a person can exhibit narcissistic traits without meeting the criteria for NPD. What matters in a marriage is whether these traits contribute to emotional abuse and control.

While only a mental health professional can diagnose NPD, certain behaviours indicate emotional abuse:

• Gaslighting – Making you question your own reality.
• Manipulation – Using guilt, silent treatment, or threats.
• Blame-shifting – Refusing to take responsibility.
• Control and Isolation – Dictating who you see and what you do.
• Emotional Rollercoaster – Alternating between love-bombing and devaluation.
• Financial Control – Withholding money or resources.

Recognising emotional abuse is the first step toward regaining control. Consider these steps:

1. Acknowledge the Reality – Understand that the abuse is not your fault.
2. Set Boundaries – Limit exposure to manipulative behaviours.
3. Seek Support – Reach out to a therapist.
4. Educate Yourself – Learn about emotional abuse to protect yourself.
5. Develop an Exit Strategy – If leaving is an option, plan a safe transition.
6. Seek Legal Advice – Protect your financial and parental rights.

Emotional abuse can have severe mental and physical consequences. If you are in a controlling or manipulative marriage, consulting a therapist and legal professional can help you understand your rights and options.